Secure Base: It's a triangle that basically expresses how we need three things in order to be healthy, attached, secure people.
Secure Base:Psychological Version
1. You're loved and you're lovable.
2. Relationships can be relied on to keep you safe. In other words that people are trusted.
3. Other people are loving and protective.
Secure Base:Gospel Version
1. The great love with which he loves us. He loves us with a great love.
2. God will guard me, guide me and not let me fall; He will never forget nor ignore me; He's trustworthy.
3. God never lets you down; he sticks by you and will protect you.
I think one of the biggest giants we have to deal with from one generation to another is belief. Broken beliefs pass from one generation to another cause broken foundations. We've got to heal these broken beliefs, because the broken belief system will keep going if we don't address it.
We need something outside of ourselves to heal ourselves. We cannot fix ourselves. We choose who heals us; we can choose our parents, we can wait for our parents to heal us, or the generations above; we can wait for ourselves to heal us and that independence.
Your healing isn't in your parents, your healing and your freedom isn't in people. but there's an ultimate healer, and that's God, because here's the thing, he labels himself the Father, which means he's saying to us I'm the generation above you. I'm the one above you who's got your healing. I'm the one that will give you a secure foundation, not people, not the perfect parents, not repentance, not some kind of easy life.
God is ready to adopt us into his family. Adoption means to enter into the privileges and the responsibilities of another. He's ready to heal our hurts, the belief systems that are broken, but we have to call out to him. He can't do it unless we acknowledge him as father.
Your past will be your future unless you have the courage to build a new one.
You don't have to be a slave to beliefs; you don't have to be a slave to giants; you don't have to be a slave to generational curses or generational habits and this whole series is about getting yourself free from the giants, for you but for the generations to come.
How to Find Security
Welcome to FREEDOM CHURCH. This is part five of our series which is called RE:GENERATION and It's been the most amazing series. It's all about how generational things keep going.History repeats itself through the generations, If we don't deal with it, If we don't change, and If we don't face down the Giants.
This has been one series where It doesn't matter who I've spoken to? Whether they're a Campus Pastor, a Volunteer, They're Visiting Church for the first time Whether They've been here forever. Every single person I've spoken to has been like "God's spoken to me in this RE:GENERATION series" "God's challenged me around the things that I keep doing"
For Dave and I and It was like week two, and God started pushing in on and tells us "You need to deal with that independence" "You need to deal with that thing that you always do" and It's been so, so POWERFUL.
Belief and Boogy Man:
It really led me to start thinking about My family. and They're an amazing bunch. There's lots of them, They're Incredible. They're Creative and Wild and Adventurous and Mad and Strong and Passionate. They're an amazing, amazing Family.
But I want to tell you to begin with a little story that we had in our home growing up. So I lived next to the river, when I was little. I've got two siblings, brother and sister, and some stepbrothers as well. There used to be next to our house like a verge going into, like a wooded verge.
There's lots of trees and then the river. My dad always told us that there was someone called the boogey man. and the boogey man lived in the woods. I don't know whether my dad just really enjoyed telling crazy tales which he did now and then. I actually think, it was a bit of a fear technique to keep us out of the woods, to keep us away from the river. Makes sense, right? It's like, I tell my kids that You can't turn the lights on in the car. because it's illegal and the police will pull us over. Really I just want them to buckle down and go to sleep. Because, it's late at night and I'm driving home. We come up with all these things. We tell our kids. I heard a great one this week. Someone said "I don't let my children have ice cream Sundays unless it's a Sunday, and If we go to a restaurant, I tell them you can't have an ice cream Sunday, because you can only have one on Sunday," which I thought was a brilliant one. I might use that. Don't tell to my kids, they're not in here. But there's all these things we tell our children.
For years, I believed in the boogey man to the point where I remember the first time I was ever told off at school. I was five. I was in year one, you remember it so vividly, don't you? First time your teacher tells you off and I was stood around the sandpit, and I told the other children about the boogey man. that He was real, and he was going to come and get you. He was made out of bogey. and he stuck to you, and stuck you into himself and you became a boogey man as well. That's what I believed. so I told all these kids around the sandpit, "You're going to get caught by the boogey man, if you go in to any woods ever" at which point some of them cried and then my Teacher kept me in at breaktime, because I'd been telling scary tales. but in my head it wasn't a tale, it was so true.
The boogeyman exists. I haven't kept it going with my kids. I don't want them getting told off. but you know the tooth fairy exists and so does Santa.
But I was absolutely adamant, because there are these things we believe that our parents tell us. I think those generational habits, those are generational giants.
I think one of the biggest giants we have to deal with from one generation to another is belief, like a belief system, something you believe.
Belief and Marriage Prep:
OK, the boogey man is a funny one, it's a comical one. but I had other beliefs that I gained from my family. My family are phenomenal. but I'm one of the kids, along with many of you that grew up in a family where there was divorce. A lot of the people, a lot of my family struggled with relationships. There was an issue. We have very strong independent women in our family. There was a history going back generation after generation where marriage had been robbed and broken and betrayed, an adulteress, where kids had grown up in broken homes. It was a common story, If I look back over a lot of my aunties, uncles, the generations before me and one belief I had, this sandpit was the belief in the boogey man. But I remember another belief that came out of me in marriage prep.
Marriage prep is something we do in our Church. If you're getting married, you can meet with a Pastor. A couple of Pastors as a married couple, and you can talk through some of the things that you're going to bring to your marriage. Dave and I were rather passionate, when we came to marriage. and I'm talking about like argue passion. Okay.
I just remember this time we were sat across the table, from Chris and Karen, who are amazing Pastors in our movement, and we're arguing. I don't know what we're arguing about? We're probably arguing about arguing because that's what you do, right? We're just going at each other, you said this and you did that. and I just remember this belief that came out of me. There's like family belief that I'd picked up on and gained.
Nothing my parents had ever said, nothing my parents had ever promoted. My parents are amazing, they speak positively, they speak life into me. But it's this concept that I gained from the generation above or the generations around me. and it was the concept of this; "You're going to leave me anyway" I just had so deep within me. "Do you know what? It doesn't matter if you argue with me, actually I don't care what you're going to say, because you're just going to leave, so I can fight with you, I can argue with you, I can swear at you, I can abuse you. I can say what I want, because you're just going to go like everybody else does" and it's this belief that I'd gone from one generation to another. and you know here's the thing, the enemy monopolizes on it.
My parents have never said that to me, they didn't say those things, that's not what they're like. They're incredible parents, but I'd watched a generation of people fall apart. I watched relationships on TV fall apart. I watched celebrities' relationships fall apart. I was convinced, and I had this belief system that the enemy had grown and monopolized and made bigger deep within me.
But that's not what God says about marriage, that's not what God says about people. and so there was this moment, and we have to, we absolutely have to believe.
Here's something we need to believe that Your past will be your future unless you have the courage to build a new one.
I can't make claim to that. But our past will be our future unless we have the courage to start a new one. We've got to come in and say, No that's not how it is? My teacher had to come in and say "No, there is no boogey man" Someone's got to come in and say "No, those things you've believed about yourself from the generations before, maybe the things said" God wants to come in and you've got to be the one to have the courage.
It took Dave courage to stand by someone who had to deal with that belief. It took courage to believe in marriage. It might take courage for you to believe that you were made for a purpose. it might take courage to believe that you can be successful. It might take courage to believe that you can have children when your generations above you can't. There's all these things we've got to have courage to believe something different.
Secure Base:Psychological Version
I just want to talk a little bit of psychology with you. I went to some parent training years ago and it was a phenomenal, phenomenal teaching. They were talking about something called the secure base. Lots of you may not be familiar with that; if you're a psychologist or you've been through parent teaching before, you've adopted, you've worked in Social Work, I don't know what you do? But if you do those things you've probably heard of something called the secure base and this is what it is.
It's a triangle that basically expresses how we need three things in order to be healthy, attached, secure people.
If we have these three things as young children, and if we have this base, this basis of psychological foundation within us, then we're going to thrive. Basically, if we have these beliefs within us we can survive. Now this isn't a Christian teaching, this isn't something that comes from a religion or a faith. This is psychologists' teaching. It says these three things;
1. You're loved and you're lovable.
2. Relationships can be relied on to keep you safe. In other words that people are trusted.
3. Other people are loving and protective.
If you have those three things as a child then you're going to thrive, you're going to be able to make relationships, life is going to be healthy, you're going to survive, you're going to have mental health. These things are going to be a part of your life. It's like a psychological foundation; this is what the professionals say.
Now I had all those things. My parents gave me all those things. I'm aware, I'm in a room where not everyone has this. The parent teaching that I was in was talking about children in trauma. I'm aware, I'm in a room of people who've been adopted. People whose parents are in mental health units because they need specialized care. People who've maybe not spoken to their dad for years or their mum was abusive. I'm aware of the room, I'm in. I know the stories. We're pastors in this church. I know the stories that are in front of me and all around the world when it comes to care and parenting.
But all of us, all of us have those moments where we feel like we're not loved. All of us have those moments where we feel like we're not safe or protected, or we can't trust people. This isn't just about parenting this is about these little moments where you don't feel secure and you don't feel safe and you don't feel loved, or like you can trust things, and so there's this generational thing that keeps going.
Secure Base:Gospel Version
The one thing that struck me when we were having this teaching was this is the gospel? So there's a psychological version but hey there's a gospel version, right? Dave and I sat next to each other, and I've got my notes now and I find them. and I just circled it and scribbled it, because if someone's got this broken psychological base, if you've got this base within you, this foundation within you, you believes you're not loved, or believes you can't trust people, or believe that people are untrustworthy, it's a belief system that will go from generation to generation.
God comes in with the gospel, because he says this;
1. The great love with which he loves us. He loves us with a great love.
2. God will guard me, guide me and not let me fall; He will never forget nor ignore me; He's trustworthy.
3. God never lets you down; he sticks by you and will protect you.
These are just three of thousands of Bible verses that promise that God can be the secure base you need When the generations don't provide it, when people haven't been there. Hey, I'm talking to the fatherless generation aren't I? 42 percentage of marriages don't make it, that means children are growing up where for certain times of the week there's an absence from a parent, maybe forever.
I'm talking to a generation. I'm talking to a decline in the family unit. I'm talking to places where there's brokenness. I'm telling you God has got a foundation for you. God has got a belief for you, he's got a security for you, and honestly, if we're going to heal a generation, We have got to engage with a God that wants to come and heal us.
We can face these giants with logic, we can face these giants with power and passion and praise, but some of us have got to face these giants with healing.
I know I needed God to heal the false belief system I had in myself. He had to come in with his truth, and he had to dig out the "I love you, you've got a purpose in life, you're not purposeless.He had to come in and speak to that. But I needed a foundation outside of myself. That's the thing with this psychological foundation, right? the secure base;
Every single one of us needs something beyond our self. We cannot do this on our own. We can't.
I believe that broken beliefs pass from one generation to another and cause broken foundations.
There will be foundational beliefs you have inside of yourself that are passed from one generation to another.
My belief was maybe the marriage wouldn't work, but your belief might be that you can never have kids, or that you were a mistake, or maybe you weren't purposed. Maybe your belief is that you're a failure, or you're not good enough to be with. I don't know what your foundational belief is, But it will go from generation to generation, and it will not be healed until God comes in and heals it.
We need something outside of ourselves to heal ourselves. We cannot fix ourselves.
If psychology says it, the Bible says it and I've seen it a million times over, We've got to start to see that God wants to come in to heal those deep broken bits of us. I know for some people that you heard some sayings that weren't right sayings, beliefs over yourself. I know some people heard they were an accident, they're stupid. I've heard parents yell in changing rooms "I just can't cope with you anymore. I've heard stories where people call out to their dad and their dad doesn't answer; Maybe they're told they're fat or they're compared to their siblings. I've heard these stories again and again in our church, in our world. I had two people this week tell me "I'm just not in touch with my son anymore and I had another woman, a young friend of mine, say "I just don't speak to my dad anymore."
I had two young women this week, tell me that they don't have contact with their father anymore, because there's this absence, and there's these belief systems that are going from one generation to another, and we excuse it. My dad was just like that, Pastor G said it, there was an absence of communication, my dad was like that, my great granddad was like that. This granddad was like that.
But we have to come in and find the healing beyond ourselves, We've got to heal these broken beliefs, because the broken belief system will keep going if we don't address it.
Belief and Independent
I had a broken belief system in marriage. I also had a broken belief system in men I didn't trust them, I'd made some foolish choices and it put in me this incredible Independent spirit.
I remember a time that I was with some friends and we were talking about this. It sounds very deep; it really wasn't. If you could write a book, what book would you write? and what would you title it? It's very deep isn't it? This one guy said "I'd write a book called Independence," and I tell you what, the feminist girl, broken, hurt, defensive, lonely woman in me was like "Yes all right. I'll write book called Independence. You don't need people, you can make this on your own; if you've got a problem you just need to get on and deal with it. You can run a business on your own. You could be a head of department. You can do this, you don't need people"
I had these years of my life as what I would say is a feminist. I believe in equal rights. I believe in men as leadership, I believe in women in leadership, but there but it wasn't based on that, it was based on this deep thing in me that hurts, and it brought about what I would call an independent spirit, and I was all about that I can do it on my own. Do you know what that is? That's hurt and it's pride.
But I also have a lot of incredibly strong women in my family, women who had to do it alone, my mum's a single mum and she nailed it. She nailed it. She knows what it was to raise three children, five and under, a majority of the time, because my dad served in the forces, so it wasn't just weekdays, it was six, seven months at time, and I know lots of you do it. She raised us in church; She put me in Church every sunday till I was 16. Oh and I fought, and then God showed up. She did incredible things, but I see strong women in my family and they're strong and they're independent and that's great.
But God wants to heal a generation, not continue the generational disbelief. He wants to come in and fix it.
So for me God had to fix my independence, and this guy went on. He was talking about this book that he would write, and he said "No, it's not independence, it's in a place of dependency, and he said "I'm not writing a book about doing it on your own, I'm writing a book about when you really look at your life, you have to put yourself in a place where you depend on something outside of yourself.
You choose to either put yourself in a place of independence, or a place in dependency.
And god hit me. He hit me like a freight train, that there's a generational strength to our family of independence; go do it, get on with it, do it on your own, that's phenomenal. It got me my degree, it got me the jobs I've got, it got me the strength, I paid my own way. The women in my family have coped with some incredibly broken and terrible situations.
But I knew that I didn't believe in men; more than that, I didn't believe in trusting God, and if the secure base psychology tells us we need something beyond ourselves, then we need something beyond ourselves and I needed God to heal me. I needed God to come in and speak to the bits of me that were broken, and the bits of me that I believed, things I believed that weren't right.
I didn't believe I was worth anything. I didn't believe I was funny. I believed I was stupid. I believed that I didn't have a purpose, I believed that I was no good to be around, and God had to come and fix that, but I had to choose to depend on him. I had to change my independence and change it to trust in him.
I believe that church is a powerful place to do that; church is an incredibly powerful place to do that, and this is a bit of a side note, because I spent some years being this strong independent woman and I pulled away from church. I pulled away because I was hurting. I pulled away because I felt lonely, because I felt different to the people in my church, but one of the reasons I pulled away was because I didn't want anyone to speak into my life, and I was hurting and I was struggling and I didn't really want anyone to touch on those things.
But I believe this, that an absence of generations before can be met in the church family.
God says this he sets the lonely families. and something I've seen in this church and multiple other churches is I've seen women who are independent, I've seen men who are getting it wrong, I've seen women who are proud or have had affairs, I've seen lonely young people, I've seen lonely old people, I've seen every single type of generation, every single type of issue walk into our church and find healing, and they find healing in the families.
What we have here is a cross generation of incredible people who love one another, who stick by one another, who push one another, who challenge one another, who heal one another, who fall in love. We've seen everything in the church, because it's the one place, God says he doesn't come for the well, he came for the sick, and the church is the place where all this can be healed.
If you have a disbelief in church or marriage or friendship or people, the church is the place where it can be healed, and we aren't perfect. Oh my gosh, we get things wrong. I'm one of the leaders here, I get things wrong, but I know that this is a place where healing happens.
God has this thing where he speaks generationally, and this is the main point of what I want to get across today, God talks generationally, and he doesn't just talk generationally and you know there's the generations before that explain how it got from David to Jesus. I'm not talking about the generations of fatherhood or where blessings go from one generation to another, not talking about that kind of generation.
But God labels himself as a generation, and if we're going to heal the generation of birth below, and we're going to heal ourselves and these wrong beliefs we have, we have to go to a generation above us.
Now my family is phenomenal and my mum is in the church, we have a great friendship, I'm good friends with my dad, my stepmum, my siblings, and I'm in a place where we have, and in the past had to talk about hey you did this, and you said that, and it hurt, and I was worried about that season. We've had those conversations as a family, but that's not where my healing lies;
My healing doesn't lie in the forgiveness or the repentance of the generation above me, because we're not always going to get that.
Your healing isn't in your parents, your healing and your freedom isn't in people. We have to find God says that we find a healing outside of ourselves, but there's an ultimate healer, and that's God, because here's the thing, he labels himself the Father, which means he's saying to us "I'm the generation above you. I'm the one above you who's got your healing. I'm the one that will give you a secure foundation, not people, not the perfect parents, not repentance, not some kind of easy life.
Don't think that anyone here who's got a two point four middle-class family, loads of money, parents are together are healed. Oh no. I've dealt with people in every every sphere of community and part of society where there's been brokenness from the generation above.
This isn't just to do with the poor but God comes and he says I'm your generation that will come and speak in to your life, provide you with the secure healing. I'm that generation. I'm that father.
Some of you will have amazing fathers. I watch Dave with our children and he's a phenomenal father. but he's not a perfect father, and I pray. My little boy, he's two, he doesn't sleep great. if you're a parent with a two year old and your child sleeps great, please come find me in cafe. Teach me your ways. I've prayed every prayer. God gives sleep to those he loves. Anyway, my son, we have to be in the room until he falls asleep. and it's beautiful, it's about attachment, it's to do with him feeling safe and secure, but I've started to say to him now "I can't be everything to you. I can't be everywhere, but God will never leave you nor forsake you, and If I'm convinced that, if I just keep saying that, He's got to got to find a father that's bigger than him, and that's greater than the father he's got on earth. He's got to find a security, because it's only going to come through God. God has to be his father even when he's got a great dad on earth.
God says this. It says long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Christ, Jesus Christ. What a pleasure he took in planning this. God took pleasure in planning to be your father; He took pleasure in it.
It's God's pleasure to be the generation above; it's God's pleasure to heal your brokenness; it's God's pleasure to heal the lies you believe over yourself; It's God's pleasure to be your father.
We're not talking about a broken father now. Sometimes we view God through the lens that we see our father. I really had to go on the healing journey.
My dad is an amazing man; he's not a man of words. Honestly, some of you've met him, just words aren't his thing. Sometimes I think I'm a miracle because they really are mine, and so I grew up thinking that God was quiet. I had to learn a different God, a different father God to the Father I have on earth. and my father's great, but God's even greater, because he provides all our needs according to his glorious riches.
Adoption:
There's something really powerful about this verse. that isn't just to do with the father's son, it's to do with the word adoption.
I know I'm speaking to people who are adopted, and I know I'm speaking to families that have adopted, and I know I'm speaking to parents as well that have had their children go and live with another family. I'm aware of what I'm speaking to you.
But adoption is powerful. there's something about it that's painful and beautiful all at the same time, because you see if you have birth children and adoptive children they're just the same. They're just the same to you. There's no difference between a birth child and an adopted child. The thing with an adopted child, as you look at their story, and you look at their history, and you say "I'm going to love you anyway,"
God doesn't come in and call you his birth children. We have birth family for that. God comes in and calls you his adoptive children, and that means it doesn't matter what you've been through, it doesn't matter what trauma you have, it doesn't matter how painful your belief is, it doesn't matter how much you want to shout deep down inside how much pain there is in there, how rejected you feel, how lonely you feel, and whether you believe what belief systems you've been given through your generations. God doesn't care because he says "I want to come and adopt you anyway."
It's different; it's different; it's different to birth children. and you see it when you adopt children. You have what's called your birth family and your forever family; All of us have birth family. Jesus had a birth family, so God's got something about it that he loves. God put some design in birth family, but you know what he said? He said there's a forever family too.
For some of you, you're looking to your birth family to be the be-all and end-all of your world, and both families are phenomenal, and they're there to bring about God's perfect design. None of you were an accident. I don't care what your birth parents say, none of you were an accident, because you've got a Heavenly Father that comes in and says "I'm going to make you my forever family".
Adoption means to enter into the privileges and the responsibilities of another.
I've had privileges from acknowledging God as my father; the privilege that my life has purpose; a privilege that I feel loved unconditionally all the time; the privilege of relationship; the privilege of provision.
God's provided so many things for me. You see, we also receive this spirit and it's the spirit of sonship. You can say daughter ship as well, but women roll with me, You know. The spirit you receive does not make you a slave; you don't have to be a slave to beliefs; you don't have to be a slave to giants; you don't have to be a slave to generational curses or generational habits. I don't have to be a slave to the boogey man. You don't have to be a slave to those things, and this whole series is about getting yourself free from the giants, for you but for the generations to come.
The spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. It's called the spirit of sonship, spirit of adoption. There's something so powerful about that, and we receive it and we have it.
You see we get to cry Abba Father. There's this bit where there's something in us and something in God that we cry out "Daddy". Parents you'll know in this room, or you'll know as yourself, there's something about your dad.
When Dave comes home to our children. Oh my Gosh, he's way more fun than me, way more fun. I mean I'm the one who's done the hours but I'm he's way more fun. I get showered out 4AM, He get showered out 5PM, I love it. I love the forum couples, sometimes. But there's something about this, something in us that shouts out this cry.
There's a higher heavenly father that holds your healing. Accept childship, sonship or daughtership.
I believe that today some of you have realized things you believe about yourself that aren't right, beliefs that have gone from one generation to another, the cause of broken foundation in you. You know them. Hopefully you've written in them in your notes, or the pain in your heart right now,
We have to accept childship. Declaring sonship is what God does, but calling out "Father" is what we do.
We choose who heals us; we can choose our parents, we can wait for our parents to heal us, or the generations above; we can wait for ourselves to heal us and that independence, or we can accept that there's a heavenly father out there that wants to heal us.
But what we have to cry is Father, Dad, Father God. He's ready to adopt us into his family; He's ready to heal our hurts, the belief systems that are broken, but we have to call out to him.
He can't do it unless we acknowledge him as father.
Some of that will deal with that independence or our pride, maybe you need to go and speak to a Pastor, maybe this is bigger than you realize, maybe you've got some things that are deeper and God's starting to show you them, and it takes a bit of humility and it takes a bit of church family and it takes a bit of another generation to come and work that healing with you, but God's desperate to come and heal us.
If we're going to heal the generations below us, if we're going to heal the false beliefs that have come from above, if we're going to heal the things that have been said, the bits where we're not secure, the bits where our foundations are broken, we have got to access the father, we've got to be in relationship with God, we've got to call out "God I believe in you. God you're my father. God you've got something I don't have.
I don't know where you stand in this room. I don't know if you see God as your boss or your teacher or your instructor. I don't whether you don't know God, and he's just some kind of mythical creature, or some kind of faith that you learnt about in your Catholic Primary School, or maybe he's one of hundreds of gods that you know of in your culture.
I don't know where you are with God right now, but what I know is this; he's declaring sonship and daughtership on you, and it is your choice to say God heal me. God fix me. God I want to be adopted by you. God I want you to come in and bring me the privileges and the rights and the healing that you have, because within me, I need healing from something outside of me, and I believe in you.
Wherever you are around the world, wherever you're tuning in to this, or if you're watching online or reading God's out there, ready to be in relationship with you, and if you don't know him nothing would delight him more than hearing you say you believe in him as the father.
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